Do you have children in your class who hit, push, or yell whenever someone tells them what to do or even just stands too close to them? Maybe they even hit kids and teachers with blocks (scary!).
...or, maybe they just don’t like it when someone starts playing with the bucket of toys they’re using or attempts to clean up in the same area they are cleaning?
Well, that’s exactly what was happening in Loretta's classroom. She told me…
“I’m looking for help with a child who is hitting. He is three and will be four in June.
His parents need help because he is hitting siblings and neighbor kids. I need help because he is hitting classmates.
I have classroom rules posted at eye level, a calm down basket, and I have tried talking with him about how his friends feel when he hits them.”
When we dug a bit deeper Loretta told me…
“Here are some specific examples of what is going on...
Scenario 1. Dylan is in the kitchen area and it is time to clean up. He is cleaning up the dishes, and another friend picks up a dish. Dylan says “I'm cleaning up dishes, not you!” and then he punched the friend in the chest.
Scenario 2. One day on the playground, it was time to come in, and Dylan was on a bike. A friend went up to him and said, “Playtime is over” and he hit her in the face.
Scenario 3. Some friends were in the block area building. Dylan walked by and kicked down their tower. The teaching aide reminded Dylan of the rule “if you build it, you can break it” and he picked up the block and hit her over the head.”
Perhaps you can relate?
Some of the specifics might be different with the children you have in your class but my guess is you probably have at least one child doing some similar types of behaviors.
If so...I have GOOD NEWS…
Loretta made some relatively simple changes in how she and her classroom aide were approaching Dylan and those changes made a huge and immediate impact!
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Through these examples it becomes clear that Dylan needs help getting his needs met in these moments.
Specifically, he needs help to use his words without hitting.
That may seem obvious since saying, “use your words” in early childhood classrooms is very common.
But saying “use your words” is not the same as actually helping children to know what words to say and use them in the moments they need them.
We need to help him have the experience that his words matter. He needs to know that his words “work”. Therefore, he no longer will have the urge to try to get his needs met with aggression.
That does not mean he gets to do whatever we want or that we are going to be overly indulgent? Here’s the deal...
First, children who have experienced trauma often respond by trying to control things in their world. They may also respond with aggression, especially if they have seen adults using violence as a strategy to try and get their own needs met. We don’t always know a child’s history with trauma so it’s best that we relate to all children who seem to want to be in control with love and compassion.
Second, most of us can probably agree that we want to live in a world where adults say what they want and need rather than using violence or passive aggressive approaches to get their wants and needs met. No?It’s about being able to recognize and articulate what we want and need and communicate those desires in the moment. From there we have to negotiate with those we are living our lives with.
That is what I want for Dylan, to express his wants and needs in the moment without aggression.
And then his teachers can help him negotiate with peers from there.
Over time when children feel supported in these negotiations they learn from our modeling and can do it without us!
Here’s what Loretta wrote to me a few days later…
“We were so spot on with identifying Dylan’s need for control. He does not like people in his space. His parents said they felt everything is a power struggle with him at home.
I had my aide shadow him all day when I couldn't be right next to him. That is our plan for the future for a while.
He was in the kitchen today, a friend got close to him and an argument was starting. I asked him if he felt Karen was too close to him, and he said yes. I had him tell her he needed some space, and he did.
I told the class “Dylan needs some space right now and it’s ok to tell our friends how we feel”.
Later on the playground, he was in the outdoor kitchen. I was right next to him and he told two boys they could not come in. I helped him talk through his feeling and how to kindly let his friends know how he was feeling and that he was using that area. Then he told them he would use one half, they could use the other, and they agreed.
He was able to negotiate! And, I saw that the more space we gave him the more he wanted to invite kids to play.
Later on the playground he got angry and went under the structure. I got close and asked him what was going on and noticed he did not like me encroaching in his space. I asked him if he needed space and he said yes.
The next time a friend came too close Dylan announced," I need space." Then, a few minutes later he was ready to play.
Coincidentally, Dylan was the helper of the day today (I go in alphabetical order). By the end of the day, he was sharing his jobs with friends.
I have never seen anything like this in him.
He let a friend turn off the lights; he asked a friend if they wanted to walk in front of him in line, and he shared being the helper of the day.
So many conversations happened today that were intentional.
I helped him with words for his feelings each time. Positive results were happening!
I felt so happy for him that he was enjoying playing and the other kids were enjoying playing with him.”
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I am not exaggerating when I say that Loretta reported these changes after just one day.
Let me know your thoughts and questions in the comments below!